A few trippy moments recently where I am snapped into reality of awareness of my own presence and realisation of how unconscious I am of my own energy and sense of presence around others. Just speaking and acting without any intention or thought or witnessing of myself. Sleepwalking. The feeling that my relationships are deteriorating as well as my ability to enjoy connecting with others helped me realise this. There are also moments where I feel pangs of loss, puzzlement and sorrow at not knowing my own body – feeling like a stranger in my own skin. So often transfixed by what I don’t like about my body – the cellulite or the spots etc. I am distracted from really appreciating the incredulous reality to be experiencing life through a body in the first place. To feel that connection between body and mind and spirit. It’s almost as if living a stranger’s life – this is not good. This does not bring me closer to wholeness, closer to home.
So I feel an immense urge to be aligned in mind body and spirit. To know my body and to feel the privilege to be spending this brief time in it. To meditate by watching the breath and experiencing that natural pleasure, that natural high, from just being aware of the breath. To exercise and move my body every day – to check in with every muscle and joint so I’m really at home in my home. Similar to how you’d be aware of what pipes in your house are leaking and if there are cracks in the roof etc. Also wanting to have your house decorated and made cozy and comfortable – to be at home at home.
The stage of life I am in is coming to an end. I am no longer content to exist in the in-betweeny stage (as I wrote about recently). I am entering a new stage. Not quite established-adult stage. But perhaps growth and adventure and becoming something phase. I am excited about that. It is time I talk about myself with a sense of respect and pride, rather than squirming at that pervasive question of ‘What do you do?’. It is time I speak like an adult – clearly and assertively , with good posture and good pronunciation. I know myself when I speak like this, as I slip into it here and there, and I like that person. But now it is time to do that most of the time, deciding in every word I speak that I choose to be something good, somebody worthy of respect. I don’t like to dwell on little details and I can’t always bring myself to engage in small talk. I don’t think that is in my nature and that is ok. I do though, need to find a way to integrate this nature into the higher version of me, the being I am becoming. I think that entails cultivating peaceful silences in conversation, being able to affirm to the other person without words (or maybe with) that I am comfortable to spend time with them, without the need for constant conversation. Perhaps it also involves heightening my sense of self-observation so I can witness when negative feelings rise within me, so I can choose to not allow them to permeate out to the people around me, through heated debate, aloofness, snide remarks or any other behaviour that doesn’t feel aligned to my higher, more loving self.
Whatever comes in the next few months, having a routine that includes meditation, yoga and exercise every morning is most important to me. Getting my driving license is my biggest ‘tangible goal’. Getting freelance creative work is the other big one. Including reading, writing, guitar and (history) podcasts every day so I can continue to nurture my intellect is also really important. Doing all these things consistently, with my goals in my mind and more importantly, a growing sense of awareness of my own being, makes me feel like I am moving in the direction of liberation. Gaining the power and capability to do things in this world.
Growing in my own sense of presence is sure to bring me in the direction of wholeness and being more aligned, grounded and truly awake as I move through this world. That is bound to help in connection with other people and also a higher appreciation of the experience of life itself. Experiencing life more consciously requires a certain cultivation and nurturing of the body-being you are experiencing life through!
Hannah Fitzpatrick Creative 