Life is incredible.

I want and need to write something. But. I really have to acknowledge that words simply cannot capture the breadth and weight of any experience. Words can only barely touch the surface of experience. Just like any form of art, all you are doing is making a sort of crude recreation of the thing in order to share it, but it is torment knowing that nobody can ever really fully know what it is was we experienced. Then realising that doesn’t matter. The most important thing of all is how we are as people. Growing in love, trying to be as loving as possible. The love we show is the proof we bear of our individual journeys and travels. At this stage in my life I struggle to deliver an anecdote well, but I am at peace with that. I know that I have plenty of wonderous experiences under my belt and they collectively speak through me in how I am living and the direction I am g(row)ing!

I keep having these days that I tell myself “that was the best day of my life.” How incredible.

My heart is growing in love. I am singing, the divine is singing through me. I am opening up to God and listening. I am uncovering much wisdom and starting to live by it.

I just want to relate but a few moments from these last days. I will be glad of it.

One… Taking acid in the woods with a man I love. He doesn’t quite love me though we did make love. The whole day was a magical experience. I witnessed his pure innocence come out and it was beautiful. We connected with creatures great and small, from a pregnant donkey to a tiny spider to a rogue old man who may have been a faery! We danced. We made shamanic music. We spread our wings and flew around. I was of course barefoot, at home. Exploring the beautiful landscape from treetop to hill-stop. I can’t put it quite into words but it was magic magic magic.

Building my house. The kind and generous nature of good people astounds me and I have been afforded the most incredible gift from the universe. This man who is a master carpenter and who set up an organic, regenerative market garden/biodiversity bubble/ corner of paradise – is the provider of this great gift. Together we are turning an old camper bus into my new home in one of the most beautiful spots in Dublin. Drilling nails into corrugated iron and pulling apart pallets with crossbars are just the best things ever when you know exactly why you are doing them. You don’t need anybody to encourage you because the faster you get it done the faster you have a place to call your own. My home is called Rosalie and the building has just begun. This is a huge step. There is of course an exchange involved. When I am there I will help around on the farm on the like. I will also have access to the healthiest food about!

On Friday I organised the most incredible party of my life and I am quite proud but mostly just so delighted I had a good time, people had a good time and I brought people together. Beach in Sutton and it felt like Spain. Got to the beach at 3pm-ish got home to my house at 9am. Many came and many joined from around. We had juggling, hulahooping, firespinning, campfiring. We had people go on all sorts of psychadellic journeys. We had toes in the sand. We had hearts open wide. We had guitar musical alchemy. We had laughter. We had dancing. We had naked running around and swimming. We had euphoria…. at least I did. And a sprinkle of divine madness.

That morning before sunrise people were gathered around the fire and it was pretty mellow. I felt drawn to go the sea. I stood there in the water for what seemed like well over an hour. I sung for almost all that time. Singing “Hello” and “Hey-yo” and all sorts of melodies and the like. Hello to myself, the world and thinking of all the people in my life I love. I was tripping pretty hard on mushrooms. It was an absolutely astonishingly beautiful moment I witnessed. The way the sky and the water reflected each other; bands of yellows and pinks and blues and whites. The islands out in the sea and the lights of the city to the left and towns to the right. Just looking into that vast divine miracle, vibing with god. These words are totally useless at describing what went on in that experience, but it was the most real thing that ever happened to me. Just singing/ letting the divine sing through me. Surrounded by water, in a white dress, in the middle of the night. Feeling the peace and love. Knowing that up on the beach there were a bunch of lovely people I would come back to, who wouldn’t judge my divine madness, not that I was thinking about their judgement. I was facing the sky and sea and nothing behind my back was changing how I felt. It was a conversation with god and I received my message: Love. Love. Love. Love. In that moment nothing else mattered. It is always like that. The very moment is sacred and the moment is about love. I could understand very clearly in that moment what my journey looked like. What is/was going on for other people. The trajectory of my past up til this point. What the darkness is. What the path is. How to not get weighed down or pulled into ‘hell.’ There was a crystalline comprehension of everything and yet I knew I could keep learning more and more. I knew that in that moment I was perfect and everything was perfect and it absolutely was. It absolutely was. Then I went back the campfire and the people and a few hour laters myself and two ladies returned to the sea for a glorious sunrise. We danced naked in the water and connected with a lovely jellyfish and they talked talk and I stayed silent and observed. Observing the genius and the madness all in the one and just laughing at it all because it’s hilarious. We are all so stuck in our ways and it is absouletly bonkers and gas at the same time. One of the women just kept giving these lectures on biology and the apologising for not being qualified enough to do so. All night long. I listened to her loads because I was kind of tripping extra off her genius-madness and she could just keep talking. I used to see her as off-the-wall and now I saw her as totally lovely, gorgeous and just as sane as any of the rest of us bonkers folk.

Now I am here in paradise. Hippy camp (Earth song). This day was so intensely beautiful I cannot even begin to describe. The organic flow of everything. Just absolutely floating and having all sorts of gorgeous interactions with people and nature. Singing, sooo much jubilant harmonious group singing. The sun blazing. Skinny dipping in the river with lovely teen hippy girls (the friends I never had when I was a teen). Sitting in a tree and having a chat with some sisters who came by. Playing volleyball. Singing dancing laughing crying. Interacting with people from age 0 to age 80. Feeling free to just walk around freely in the field and knowing whoever I stopped to chat or group to join would be completely welcoming and happy to receive me. It is the most awesome feeling. It is truly a bubble of paradise. There were numerous moments I got that ‘love feeling’. A very distinct feeling in the heart that feels like I am devouring reality. It comes easy on mushrooms and the like but I had it many times just because of the very high vibration/frequency of this place. So much singing and so many calm, lovely people around. I prayed by the fire tonight. Really prayed and it felt amazing. I felt the love so strong, better than a drug almost. Then had a very enrichening heartfelt chat with a woman by the fire and beneath the most incredible sky of stars. I felt deep empathy and not a pitiful feeling, just connecting with her pain regards love and men and her struggles as a single mother. I shared some details about the loves of my life and I have never been so articulate about them. Then she gave me a sheepskin to sleep on because I arrived here super needy and minimalist… actually brought no food so floating around in good vibes and a bit needy is a funny way to be sometimes, being totally ok not having needs met immediately, trusting that the people around you will take care of you. Then being afforded the privelege to contribute to their needs, wellbeing and joy when you can. I am sure I did a little today. With my music and my drawings and my chats and listening and laughing. We are always giving to each other in some many ways. The stars tonights are incredible too. Had to mention.

I love my life so much right now. I am so lucky to be where I am. I know that I would not be where I am if I hadn’t been brave in the past and stood my ground in toxic relationships/settings, fleeing what wasn’t good for me and withstanding loneliness and emotional tumult for certain periods of t. All that was necessary for me to feel and get through because I am on a healing journey. Coming from a family which is lovely but has it’s own darkness and negative streak, anxiety, aggression, argumentativeness. Mainstream and conservative and the like. I feel like it is part of my mission now to grow so much in love and inner strength that I can rub some of that love off on my family. I wish for my sisters to be more loving to themselves.

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My life is my own. Your life is your own. But how you are in this world has an immeasurable impact. How you love and how much you love is everything.

I pray

“Help me love”.

That is my prayer for the next while.

I will pray every day.

I pray now for you.

Oh final thing, I told that man I love him the other day. I know he doesn’t love me (fully) but it doesn’t matter, I just had to tell him and it felt pretty good. To not say those words just because you’re afraid they won’t say them seems like a corruption of the whole thing. It’s like… selfish or something. Or not self-fulness enough in one sense, because you are not validating that feeling. If you love someone tell someone you love them! I have to admit after he left my house that day, I had a little little cry. But now I am here in Earthsong living the divine life and I know I am ok. I will always be able to come back to being ok no matter which way my heart is tugged. I also told a female best friend I love her, at the beach party and gosh I do. Looking into her eyes so many times and just bursting out laughing or smiling like a kid. That is such a beautiful love. I will cherish those people in my life, I really will.