The disco ball lamp and me are face to face. It is beaming out the heavenly light of life. Just like the sun, but a disco ball. It is divine. Music blaring. Hands start to grab it. Dionysian divilment. Everything else blurs out. There is a direct line between me and the disco ball. I feel like I am facing and talking to God. I am.
In and out and in and out of the body. The mind is let loose. I am a butterfly velocoraptor swooping over the amazon rainforest, it is dark. Drum beats come on, I am a kangaroo bouncing on drums, I can feel myself make the sounds. Zebra in a tuxedo and then I am a cartoon, I am a rastafarian cartoon DJ and exist in a 2D plane of colour. I want to be back to my body. I touch my hands off each other, they feel like water. I am aware of the people around me. My mind flickers between anxiety and trust. Someone has a gun? Someone is going to bash my head against the stone wall? Someone is going to touch me weird? None of it happens. I cannot trust the future. I cannot trust every instinct I have about the future. Boom boom boom boom. Dancing in church ruins. I make infinity signs with my hands. Above my head and in front of my body, my arms are going wild. In my mind I see the infinity signs my hands are tracing and they are glorious glittery rainbow streams. Someone is blowing bubbles. The disco lights are reflected in them. So we have red and green and yellow and pink and all, in the seams of the bubbles. When they pop I see the droplets of water fall onto the bopping heads of the ravers. It is magic. I become aware of my breath and feel pressure to keep myself breathing. What if I can’t? I remember even if I don’t try it will happen. I flicker in and out of anxiety controlling the breath and letting go and trusting I will stay alive regardless.
I am talking to people now. But my mind is still way out. Dancing zebra. Cartoon visions. God. Light. Life. I am glad there are lovely people around to chat to and dance with and just be with, but I struggle to express my gratitude. I tell myself that is ok. I am just a girl. Time and experience will bring deeper sincerity.
Outside in a church ruin with these people. Chatting, laughing. Someone is telling me I am a star seed. She is the one with the brights glorious energy though. I try to say this. We hug.
We are outside the church with the music and beats. Long long moment with a tree. Tracing it’s grooves in the bark. Looking at the leaves. Sinking into it. Discovering emptiness. Melding with the tree. The boundaries between me and the tree disappear. Absolutely at peace. Nothing else I want to do, nowhere I want to be. Every now and then I see my lovely friend and she smiles at me. She is having a funny time with a guy who is pure light energy in this moment. He keeps laughing and falling on the ground. He keeps telling my friend different things he loves about her. I realise I love those things about her too. I hug them now and then.
These moments. Of soaring imagination. Of intense oneness. Of true peace and joy without any trace of fake it til you make it. It’s all just happening with ease. This is what it is all about. You feel it intensely in such trippy moments and then hopefully you can start carrying it through and integrating these things with mundane life. But giving yourself the time and space for occasional far far far out moments seems like a must. Explore the dimensions beyond just the every day!
I am learning to see what my essence is, playful and imaginative. Not a social butterfly, but social-able enough. I like myself and I know that when you like yourself life gets enormously better. You start meeting bright light people who like their own unique spirits and you just vibe. I love this flow. May it keep flowing this way.
Hannah Fitzpatrick Creative 