The Quare Fella

Mother (Helen) and Daughter (Marie) are shocked to discover who the new fella in their local part of Dublin City is.

Helen: Where are ye going with that feckin’ thing?

Marie: Ah jaysus Ma, I’m only goin’ down the road to the repair shop.

Helen: That bloody thing hardly needs to be repaired, it must be a thousand years old at this stage. Leave it ou’ would ya.

Marie: Tell ya wha’. You mind yores and I’ll mind mine, alri’?

Helen: (Aside, sarcastic) They grow up so fast…

Helen: Yore back quick. What they say at the repair shop then?

Marie: Ma. You’ll never believe…

Helen: Was Mark der? I always t’ought he was a lovely looking lad. You’d look good wit’ him.

Marie: Sh’up Ma would ya. No. There’s some quare looking fella there. Ma I don’t think you’re gowna believe me when I say this, bu’…

Helen: Oh I know who it is: Fintan Conway. He was always a quare one. Was in the same class as yore aunt in school. Didn’t stop picking his nose ‘til he was ay-teen…

Marie: It wasn’t Fintan Ma. It was –

Helen: Oh hang on Marie, someone’s after textin’ me, let’s see here…

Marie: (Aside) Christ’s sake, she never listens that wan.

Helen: (From what’s on phone screen) OH. MY. GOD.

Marie: Let’s see.

Helen: Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph. I don’t be-

Marie: Give us here, let’s see!

Marie: Aha! This was exactly what I was jus’ gow-na tell ya Ma. Right down by the repair shop, an actual lep –

Helen: (Suddenly stern tone) Lock up the door.

Marie: Maaa!

Helen: Lock it up Marie. I don’t want that anywhere near our house.

Marie: Ah Mam it’s not biblical times, would ye relax. These things are more acceptable these days…

Helen: There’s something I never told you Marie. Something I should have told ye a long time ago.

Marie: Mam you’re pure scurrin’ me now, wha’?

Helen: I didn’t fall pregnant with you when I was twenty.

Marie: Ma. WHA’-?

Helen: Oh calm your chops Marie let me finish.

Helen: This is gowna sound crazy, bu’ yer da and I (the bollox), were on our holliers in Wexford. It was the Summer of ‘96. We were walkin’ along the dunes of Curracloe, ah bless, I remember it well… Well how do I put this love… we found ye, all bundled up, at the bottom of a rainbow.

Marie: Ah Mam. Feck you. Have you taken somethin’ or wha’?

Helen: I’m dead serious love. You were at the bottom of a rainbow. The colours were dancin’ all across your skin ‘n’ everythin’. It was a pure spectacle it was!

Marie: Ma –

Helen: I’ll explain more la’er love, bu’ I think we need to board the place up. That ginger bastard is here for one thing I’ll tell ya.

Marie: Mam I actually don’t know what’s gotten into you. I’m scurred.

Helen: You saw the pho’o. Sure, you saw him yourself with yore own two eyes. Didn’t ye?

Marie: Yeah… Oh God. You think he’s coming for me Ma?

Helen: Ders no other explanation I can think of. I mean technically we kidnapped ye. Oh God that sounds funny to say… We didn’t know what we were doin’ at the time. We just saw an abandoned baby lying der, what would anyone do?

Marie: (Extremely anxious tone) You tink he’s me Da – The Leprechaun?

Helen: He might be. Or maybe he’s the King of them lot and wants ye as his wife. I don’t know love…

Marie: Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Helen: You know I love you Marie.

Marie: I know Ma.

Helen: Nothing’s changed.

Marie: I know.

Helen: Good. Nothing will ever change. I’m yer Ma. Always was. Always will be.

*Sudden knocking on door*

Marie: Oh jesus Ma, that’s him!

Helen: Hide yoreself. I’ll deal with this.

Marie: (Crying, aside) Oh God what am I gowna do, what am I gowna do?


Marie: Fuck off would ya! I don’t want to be your wife or your daugh’er or nutin!

Helen: (Laughing hysterically) Ya big fecking eejit ye! Gerr ou’ from behind the couch, it’s just Ray.

Ray: (Also laughing) Surprise Marie! Leprechaun baby! (Laughing, pauses for breath) Oh God that was a good one!

Helen: You should have seen her face! Not a hint of doubt!

Marie: Fuck you Mam. Fuck you Ray.

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