Health Shop

Shop-assistant: Hey there. Can I help you with anything?

Customer: I’m not sure of what I need but I feel like…. a putefrying slurry tank

Shop assistant: (Shocked) Oh. Deary me… Well you do look like you could be ‘D’-d up better.

Customer: (Confused) Excuse me?

Shop assistant: You need a heavy dose of the D. We have a large range in store. Just over here.

Customer: Oh vitamin D right right. No I don’t need that. I get enough blasted Sunlight. I’m out on the courts for hours a day.

Shop assistant: Tennis? How lovely! Are you a professional player?

Customer: No… I’m just a lowly ball collector.

Shop assistant: Pardon me, it’s only the low-hanging balls you collect?

Customer: Not at all. All types of balls in all sizes and textures.

Shop assistant: Ah, In that case I think I know what we can get you. Ever lubed up on Cod-liver oil?

Customer: Excuse me?

Shop assistant: Cod liver oil. It’s a lubricant. It will make you more ‘regular’ and it’s good for the heart and mind.

Customer: Oh no I’m regular enough thank you. And I haven’t got one of those. And I lost that a long time ago.

Shop assistant: Oh! … Well it’s good to hear you’re regular anyway! But what about the mood, you come across a bit… crabby, if you don’t mind me saying… have you been checked?

Customer: I’m only crabby because I can’t find the thing I’m looking for!

Shop assistant: Ah, ‘shopping around’ will do that to you. Better to just settle with the next decent one that comes along, eh? (winking)

Customer: I’ll never settle.

Shop assistant: Really? Oh I have it! It must be your thyroid. Hyperactive.

Customer: Well I said I wouldn’t settle but it doesn’t mean I’m hyperactive. I like to take it slow.

Shop assistant: (Pauses, stares at her, questioning…) Ah right, I get you. Well perhaps you just need an energy boost. We can get you ‘B’-d right up.

Customer: B-d? You’re not bringing up my job again are you?

Shop assistant: Not at all. We have a range of B-complex, B12, B7 – The lot!

Customer: Is it harmful to be ‘B-d up’ by too many… all at once?

Shop assistant: Well you know what they say: “If your mouth’s big enough, you can swallow anything!”

Customer: Do they say that?

Shop assistant: Indeed! Oh and you know what goes great with ‘B’s?

Customer: … ‘C’s…?

Shop assistant: Exactly! Let’s get you ‘C’d right up while we’re at it, eh?

Customer: Ah jaysus