Seasons change

Everything is coming full circle…
This summer, somehow (with global pandemic/societal lockdown ongoing)
was incredible…
A time of fumbling and questioning…
A time of adventure, accidental discoveries and moments of sublime bliss….
Growing towards wholeness, in a winding, wayward manner…
And I owe everything to one amazing friend who I had the pleasure to live out this wonderous time with…

Over the past months, this friend; my best friend,
and myself, have journeyed together,
as partners on a quest for answers……
We have learned, grown, grasped at and fumbled with….
Trying to discover the what’s, why’s and how’s……
We were there for each other and by each other’s side through much of this……
All of this figuring out, which was also living in itself……
It was a seeking and a searching……
Both two cloudy souls bumping along this unfathomable road…..
By each other’s sides some of the time….
Holding.

Now those answers have been found.
Well, enough answers to know which direction to face,
as we put one foot in front of the other and begin to step along the path
and live out & embody these questions…
letting the answers emerge as beautiful bursts of colourful moments….
letting our truths unfold…

We are now at the crossroads of this journey…
our momentary shared path diverging…

Of course part of me is heartbroken…..
that she will no longer be around to share funny adventures and blissful moments with…
but I realise that it is indeed a journey of sorts we are on…
to get attached to this moment would not be good…
for this moment is an unstable one of questions and grasping…
we have helped each other a lot down this path…
but we both must move towards greater wholeness and harmony.
So the truth can only be lived by moving on……
And at this time we must go our separate ways….

Last night was important for us,
as we sat among the trees, birds, squirrels and deer…
and around us the sun was setting and sweet music playing and ‘the magic’ easing our touch with reality….
The tears started to flow in full force…
My heart felt it was being wringed out like a wet towel…
My mouth opened wide and great heaving sobs completely took over…
as she was there beside me the whole time…
fully comforting…
The feeling that very soon she will no longer be there every weekend…
That she would soon just be another name I see on my whatsapp screen…
My heart began to break…

I thought:
‘just another friend who came into my life so fully and is now, like all the others… leaving’.
Just like all the other wonderful people I have called my best friend… close to feeling like a life partner… slipping away.
Is it me?
My heart poured empty.
I curled up like a distraught child…
But it was something to release…
because I know this is the right thing for her,
for her journey,
my journey too,
and the path that we sometimes share.

Knowing,
That all the people who have come, who I have loved, have had to leave.
That it was the right thing in every scenario.
Because people each have their own path.
They weave in and out of other’s lives…
They teach each other and help each other and discover things together at certain stages of life…
But you cannot hold onto people…
You cannot attempt to keep the same people around you at all times…
You have to let the seasons change
And let the people in and out at the right times
With no intention to latch onto…

Today is a fresh day
A feeling of clarity prevails
I let the songs play,
They make me feel like I am in the penultimate scene of a bittersweet movie.

We shall be friends for life. Our paths will convene again.

Now it’s time to move on to the separate parts of our respective journeys.
Knowing that for each other we are a rock of love.
Knowing that is very good.

I love her and I let go.

Of course there were many people who were present along my path these past few months…
Some of them tied to this friend…
Either mutual friends or temporary friends that we made along the way…
And there were others here and there,
Characters in my life,
Whose role has come to an end or come to a pause.
And it’s ok.
I feel I have tied up the loose ends with a lot of people.
Dealt with the things I have had to deal with.
Addressed the feelings and tensions and curiosity that has arisen with various people…
Given back to those that I have owed, in some small way…
Some people have flown way on, in their journey
and we know we will reconvene some time.
Others I am happy to say goodbye to.
Drawing a full circle to our relations, shaking hands, closing a deal…

Paths weave in and out like a plait…
The river must keep flowing, splashing,
to stay vital.
The river itself is alive.

I am moving onto the next thing.
I am alone again, in a way.
Most of the friends and people of this stretch of life are fully gone or gone for now.
And so this stretch of life is coming to a close.
This part of life which has at times felt so pleasant,
Was always bound to end.
You cannot remain in the uncertainty and the flux.
It is wonderful to be moving on.
It is natural, it is right, it feels so timely.
I feel the essence of this moment climax and now fade…
Something even better is coming…
Because of what has just gone.
I feel whole. Or on my way there.
I feel ready.
I feel prepared for the next moment and
open to whatever people will be involved in that season of life….

I am completely open and completely ready to let in the love and the friends that I will travel this next stretch of the journey with.
I am ready to befriend deeply.
Ready to throw myself into the next stage of the path.
Growing in wholeness.
The questions or obligations from my past no longer drag on me.
I no longer feel heavy and confused.
I feel light and happy, adaptable and resilient.
The cloudy sky has become a little clearer.
Unintentionally, somehow, so many things have been resolved.
Lots of clouds still remain but underneath there is a sky of radiant calm.
A calm I trust will be there throughout the rest of my life
as the seasons continue to shift and change

The journey of this summer took us around gravely country roads with the rusty sun and broccoli trees lining the pale blue of the Irish summer sky. By the wild Atlantic ocean where rock and water is at continual war. To the inner lung, the forests, where the ground is earthy and the entire leafy place is breathing, with wood-dwelling birds tweeting their songs.

The various strangers, brief friends and wanderers I bumped into along the way have taught us tidbits and shown us brief glimpses into their stories. I am thankful to have glimpsed.

The men who evoked my curious lust, have come and shown their true selves. They are not quite the wonderful beings I might have imagined them to be. Just people. As we all are. Broken and lost, fumbling, bumbling people. The tensions have eased. There is a breath of calm.

Finally sexually liberated. No longer scared or guilty. It is just a nice thing we do sometimes, we animals…
and there have been some nice times with people…
And I don’t feel guilty or dirty or bad about any of it.
Years of residue from a catholic upbringing, I have scrubbed away.
I now feel free.

And my own sexual journey has truly begun…
A gloriously erotic time of self discovery has taken place…
where I have unlocked the key to my own orgasm
and felt true ecstasy, a sort of power at the tips of my fingers,
a liberation of the mind,
a shedding away of guilt,
embracing the deep and dark fantasies…
accepting them,
just another part of life.

Intoxicating experiences on ‘the magic’ showed me the simple sublime of reality. To know the pleasure of just being… These moments of sublime were ones of growth, realisation and pure living too. Growing in awareness and incredulity. Unlocking the imagination. Knowing that the point is not go there to come back and make the art/write about it… although I may feel compelled to do that… The point is to go there. Deep into the imagination and buried layers of reality. To experience it in itself,
is what we should continuously seek to do.

Knowing that the job/career/mission/purpose is not the point. To shed any last trace of ambition so that you can find it in you, to fully live, to fully love, to fully be. To have no excuse to not be vulnerable with people. To not kid yourself into believing that climbing some false ladder of success will bring any satisfaction. Friendship is the true rock. Work and career-orienation, talk of hard work and dedication… that is the easy thing to do. The running away from intimacy. The self reliance of it all. The hard thing to do is to acknowledge that your happiness and wellbeing does indeed rely on other people. But you cannot control other people, unlike your ability to ‘put in the hours of hard work’. People are out of your grasp yet they hold the keys to your flourishing. While work/ job/ money/ life stuff will always take a seat at front of our minds, we must always to remember, wherever we are, to wade deep into the expansive depths of imagination.
Experience itself must be the main thing, as we acknowledge that logistical/administrative issues of life are omnipresent, will never be ‘solved’.

I have cleaned out so many cobwebs…

I feel a new sense of wholeness growing….

About to plunge into something new…

Where this pleasurable plane of reality is readily accessible…

Ready to connect with people….

Beginning to shed that dreaded inferiority/superiority complex to prevents me from getting close to genuine, decent people.

The current music which plays in the background of my life, is alive.
Gone are the days of the stagnant tunes of unfelt sadness.
I now listen to beating, moving, flowing melodies
which encapsulate the complex emotions of feeling there.
Neither boxed into ‘positive’/’negative’.

To be often dancing,
to move my body in circular motions.
The waist, the hips, the arms.
Swinging and looping and hooping.
To be alive is to be moving…
To dance through the mundane moments of making a cup of tea or hanging out the washing…
Grooving with the moment…
Free released movement through the every day

Feeling light in my body to do that.
Dropping those sad unnecessary pounds of childish flesh.
Shedding the past gungey reserves,
accumulated from the times when reality was only harsh and abrasive,
and the realm of easy pleasure could not be accessed,
and true friends were not around.

Now to see that sweet tastes and eating for fun
is such a low pleasure
comparing to that state of blissfulness
that comes from the mild intoxication of some natural subtances, nature, music and the presence of a good friend, or a few.
In that state,
sitting still becomes an artform,
a discovery,
a meal in itself,
to enjoy all those flavours as they develop,
while just being.

The season of life is changing…
From winter of the adolescent angst…
To the spring of young adulthood, dipping toes into dewy waters and tasting new beginnings…
To the summer where I turned 21 during a global pandemic…
and the journey truly took off.
The adventure deep into the soul begun.
Beginning to really know…

And now moving into autumn…
where all the colours will change…
where the sky will be an endless canopy of subtly shimmering shades…
and there will be a cool, quiet calm in the air…
Knowing that whatever happens, it will always be there.

There is no need to hurry, no need to worry. The seasons will continue to shift and change.
There will be an everpresent okayness…
because of what I have felt,
experienced and discovered.

There is nothing to prove,
nothing to reach for,
no boxes to tick.

It is not difficult,
there is no need to invent strife,
life can truly be lovely…
as long as you always maintain good friendships…

even the heartbreak can be savoured.

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