I am noticing subtle changes in myself… I hope I am undergoing a transformation.
Let’s note things down and keep track, to see if that’s the case!
I am not listening to so much music and find myself more present. I am reading my book on public transport.
I am introducing, gradually, intermittent fasting/ time-window eating into my routine. I find this also makes me more present and more focused.
Something I want to change, is thinking a lot before bed. My goal from now on is to make myself so tired from high exertions during the day, so that I simply collapse at night. I have been spending so much time before sleep and just after waking up, dwelling on the past, both good and bad parts. From now on it’s about enjoying memories when they randomly crop up, but not actively investing all this time thinking about them. Just living in the moment, quite literally. Living without the emotion-painting effect of music and memory.
I am slowly building my dream habit of ‘reading obsession’. I find myself picking up a book when I am bored/stressed for immediate relief. In the past reading would be something I would have to discipline myself to do. It is still the case, some of the time, but less and less so.
One thing underlying all these changes is the idea that this very moment, fleeting, eternally moving forward – holds something far greater than shallow consciousness perceives. The knowledge, that in all the mundane details of life is underlying something most sacred. The fact that this moment is God – in some sense. Something to do with TAO!
That is something which is unifying these subtle changes, I think. Yet I don’t need to dwell on that fact because that way I will only trip myself up more and fail to witness God. The main things is to be completely alive, aware, present. Even if being present in that moment means being distracted by a powerful thought….
Also I am really enjoying my drama classes and fancy myself quite the actor! Wellll….
Anyway, I am thinking of getting into improv over the next while.
I want to surround myself as much as I can with climate change activists. I have been doing this a little more. But I realise some failings in myself holding me back from where I want to be. I want to be open, friendly, approachable – ultimately making friends in this movement.
I realise I am afraid of intimacey. Although I always thought I was better one-on-one, I realise this is only the case with friends I know quite well. In fact I am rather bad at one-to-one contact. I much prefer to be part of a group. In a group you are usually focused on the task at hand – formalities are used with ease, you can get away with acting and playing up your character more. When you are one on one with somebody, there is that tendencey to try to be as genuine and down-to-earth as possible, so much that you will end up laughing about all he silliness of the group situation.
I am also realising that I am more self conscious than I would like to admit. I overthink a lot. When somebody looks at me I wonder if they think me strange/ugly/odd/loud/quiet/loner/ somehow corrupted etc. Sounds crazy, but I am realising more and more that I think this way. In reality most people don’t think much about you at all. To some, with big egos, that might be crushing. It is actually liberating! Most people don’t think negative thoughts about you and are ready and willing to give you a chance to be a normal person!
I am tuning into my body… I realise I am craving onions! I will go and make myself onion now! (Must be deficiency in some onion nutrient aha)
Last thing…
The way I walk, talk and sit.
I am consciously trying to appear more ‘together’. I think it is working. OK I keep reverting back into slouching… but on the whole I am glad that I am making the effort.
STAY TAO
Hannah Fitzpatrick Creative 